I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
