I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
