It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
