I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I just got carded by a ten year old.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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