I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
