Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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