Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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