Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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