Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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