Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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