in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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