well I can't set my house on fire every night
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
