i think my tv is drunk
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
