I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
