Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
