i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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