sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
