You don't have asthma, your pregnant
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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