I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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