i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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