Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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