There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Sorry about my life...
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Randomize
