I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
