The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
