I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
My ATM looks so different sober.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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