dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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