i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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