glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
