did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
the day after is always just damage control
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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