im about as happy as oj after his trial
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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