saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
