I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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