John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
