We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
