she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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