I think my fart just growled at me.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
we're so committed to being not committed
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
