there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
