i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
