so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
