I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
