Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
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