you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
