Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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