Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
