I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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