My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
