Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
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