Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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