I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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