We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
