I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
