he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
