Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
